Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
they finally got him. they got macavity
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off