I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
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My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
United Steaks of America
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My Plans 2020
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.