I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
You Might Also Like
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.