My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY