Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!