a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
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[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack