Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side