Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes