Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Did I do this right
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I can’t stop watching this.