The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
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Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome