When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
A game married people play.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.