7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once