your honor my client chooses dare
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My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.