The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
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Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.