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OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Dammit Chief not again
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?