It’s tough getting user casket reviews
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“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.