KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
dictator is short for richard potato
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.