Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.