Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
🤣🤣💀
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.