“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day