So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
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People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.