Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
selfie game
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no