I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*