North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Perfect
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.