Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
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Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Just a bush.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”