Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
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My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Poetry is my passion
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*