[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
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cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?