Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib