[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
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this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
incredible text to wake up to
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
this chia pet tastes awful
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”