*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
💯😂
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”