Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
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Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.