(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
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I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
How to wake up a Beagle
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school