me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
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DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
*frowns in Scottish*
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Introverted vegans go meetless
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.