What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
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I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
North and South
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”