I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
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Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
That’s no pocket rocket.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.