hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
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When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall