I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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huge if true: the moon
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.