wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
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“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”