If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
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Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”