I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I wanna be friends with this person
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Woke up against my better judgement again
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
some cats are just doing for fun!
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.