This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
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[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Those are good neighbors.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.