imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
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*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
There is no try. There is only give up.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
this is how life feels