*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
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coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes