I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
The funk soul brother
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
We all have our pet causes.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house