I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
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‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Gods work.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.