[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
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A friend helps you before you need it
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
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– Toddlers
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
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To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
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#SaturdayMorning
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
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Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
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“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
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Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.