The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.