[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
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I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet