I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Mistakes were made
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow