Baking is just science you can eat.
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.